Red Flags In a Marriage

While marriage is a very important part of everyone’s life, it also has its own advantages and disadvantages. Advantages are more if you get the right partner. But since no one is perfect or everyone has their negative side, there will be some disadvantages too. Everything depends on how both the partners try constantly to make the marriage work. This is not at all easy. It takes years to understand your partner if you are in a arranged marriage. Even in love marriage, you will see the negative side of your partner right after marriage. It takes constant effort by both the partners to build a healthy marriage. Initially both the partners may not be on the same side, but if one tries to adjust and compromise a little without damaging their self-respect, the other partner also starts to do the efforts one day or the other. Just like it’s said. “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet”. Even in our religion, Allah rewards the one who is patient with so many things that he had never imagined before. Consistency is the key to everything in life. Trust the process. Your time will come. Just do the work and the results will handle themselves. Marriage can be beautiful, but only when it’s authentic, mutual, and healthy.

Today’s many Gen Z people don’t believe in marriage at all. They think instead of marrying and constantly arguing, cheating, emotional stress, hard work, kids, and paying the bills for one another, its best to be single for life. They tell that if we want emotions or feelings, we will date people for one year or more, and if we want sex, there are many options available outside. They’ve grown up during economic instability like student debt, inflation, housing crises, so many want financial stability before marriage. They are more open to non-traditional arrangements like egalitarian partnerships, open relationships. Gen Z is influenced by therapy culture and mental health awareness. They often prioritize emotional intelligence, mutual respect, and communication in a partner. They are more likely to leave unhealthy relationships rather than stay “for the kids” or societal expectations.

This change in mindset happened due to the so-called progressive society and due to unlimited options available outside and social media exposure. This is going to lead them to mental health issues and loneliness in the future. This might feel great to not have a lifetime partner and kids, but in the future, they are going to regret it. Because family is like a backbone and support to you in all your situations if you get the right partner. If you don’t get the right partner, you can leave the marriage and start on a new journey but don’t forget to try a little bit before breaking the marriage.  According to my point of view, I will tell you what seems right to me. And what I have experienced in my life till now regarding relationships.

Why marriage is essential?

Before understanding about marriage, you should understand why should we marry? In our religion, it is clearly stated that we should marry to avoid any type of distractions from other women or men outside. In Islam, marriage is a sacred contract and a highly encouraged act of worship, not just a social or legal arrangement. It’s meant to bring peace, love, and spiritual harmony between two individuals under the guidance of Allah. Marriage is not mandatory but highly recommended, especially if one fears falling into sin which will happen someday or the other because no human being can control his emotions for long. If they do, then that clearly means they are either a very big devotee, or they are fed up with life on earth and are not interested in any of the worldly pleasures.

If you marry, you will have a lifetime partner with you for your emotional and physical support, loyal to you in every situation, someone who loves you unconditionally, and takes care of all your needs. Thaswhy it’s very important to marry someone who already likes you or loves you more than you. But if you are doing arranged marriage, it’s very important to check your partners background, family, friends, and relatives and try to know everything about them. This will give you an idea of how your partner will be in terms of personality, behavior, caring, and respect towards others.

• Marriage often represents a deeper level of commitment that cohabitation or dating may not provide.
• It is to have someone to share your life’s highs and lows.
• A partner will help you grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
• It is a safe space for emotional and physical closeness. This can happen with dating too but only for a short period of time.
• To build a home, family, or legacy together.
• To align on values, goals, and dreams.
• To plan for the long term with someone who is equally committed.
• To provide a stronger foundation for raising children or navigating difficult times.
• A good marriage challenges you to become a better version of yourself.
• You’re accountable to someone else, which can deepen maturity, empathy, and responsibility.
• It gives love a ceremonial expression, a defining moment of commitment.
• There will be someone with whom you can tell so many secrets or talk whatever you want.
• There will be a partner who will support your dreams and make you financially independent.
• There will be someone to take care of you when you are sick. Now you might think that you have parents, and they will do it. Parents also cannot do after a certain age. They become old and helpless too. You will need a partner to take care of you 24/7. Friends also cannot stay with you for long as they also have their own responsibilities and work. Now you might think, you can hire a maid to take care of your health, but do you really like a stranger to take care of you without any emotions, feelings, or love towards you thinking that it is their job and they will be paid for their work. Don’t you want someone who thinks of you constantly and does everything for you with love and respect.

All these points might sound very interesting and easy but let me tell you that all marriages are not like this. At the time of marriage, the two partners have different thoughts, ideas, and goals. They may feel unhappy to adjust and compromise some situations in the marriage. This is not bad. Feeling unsecured, depressed, sad, dependent, uncomfortable in marriage is very common. Remember that this should last only for a short period of time. If this continues for years, then it’s better to get out of the marriage as its straining you inside and outside. According to me, every arranged marriage takes at least 3 to 6 years, to completely understand, love, and respect each other. This might sound a very long time for you but if you want a complete family, you have to give it a little time for everything to fall in place.

I have seen many girls coming out of the marriage and taking divorce just after 6 months and one year of marriage only because of in-law’s taunts, no support from husband, not allowed to do job outside, and heavy work in their in-laws home other than that no violence or bad words from husband, no dowry demands, no disrespect, and no other physical or mental torcher. I am not telling this is right, but if you just stay and try to talk to them or make them understand, they will understand slowly, or if you have any problem in in-laws’ home, you can stay in a separate home with your husband. In our Islam too, after marriage it is recommended to stay in a different home with your husband so that you can be away from all these taunts, have some privacy, and be the queen of your home.

The first few years of marriage are very tuff for a woman especially in an arranged marriage. As she has to learn so many new rules, adjust to the new environment, understand her husband needs, take care of small children. The husband also needs some time to understand you and till that time, they behave a little different with you. Once they fully understand, they will love and respect you just like they do to their family members. They will make you a priority and above all including your children, and their parents. So be patient for a few years, you will surely get what you deserve. But if your partner is completely disrespecting you, domestic violence, physically hurting you, using bad words, or disrespecting you in front of other, it’s better to come out of that marriage as soon as possible as you cannot let your self-respect get down. There is no compromise or adjustment when it comes to your self-respect. If you still be in that marriage where your self-respect is gone, then trust me you will suffer the whole life as your partner or any other man will never like a girl who doesn’t respect herself or doesn’t stand for herself.

Red Flags in a Marriage: –

Red flags in a marriage are warning signs that something is wrong in the relationship, either emotionally, mentally, or behaviorally. While every marriage has ups and downs, persistent or severe red flags shouldn’t be ignored. They should be discussed with you parents or other elders and seek help or ask for advice.

1. Lack of Communication: – One or both the partners avoid discussing important topics. They don’t share with you anything that is important regarding family decisions, job profile, family discussions, financial matter, property matters, and about friends. There will be constant misunderstandings or silent treatments between the couple. One partner will always be silent and never talk or discuss with the other partner as they think it’s useless to tell something to the other partner as they will not understand anything or support them. Conversations feel shallow or always lead to conflict when they try to discuss something. Even discussing on very small things can cause conflict in them. As they don’t want the other partner to tell them what’s right and what’s wrong. They live in their egos and never come out of it until the other partner says sorry though it was never their mistake.

2. Emotional or Physical Abuse: – Continuous yelling, belittling, threatening, or physical harm in the marriage is a very serious red flag. This mainly happens in the initial years of marriage. As both the couples are trying to figure out what’s wrong in their relationship. If this happens only once, then you can forgive them, but if it happens continuously, you should not forgive them at all.  Like if he slaps you once or yells at you very loudly in anger and the next minute, he realizes it was a very big mistake he has committed and asks for forgiveness continuously till you feel good and promises to not do it again and never does it again then you can forgive them. Gaslighting or manipulation is also one of the worst things any human can do to the other. I don’t understand why people manipulate others. Just to show how big and smart they are or to take control over the other person and feel dominant. This will make them suffer a lot in future. If your partner takes control over your finances, your friendships, or not letting you be independent, this clearly means he doesn’t love and respect you. He just wants a maid who does all his work and take care of his family without getting paid. And if it is a woman, she wants only financial freedom from her husband and nothing else.

3. Disrespect: They will start dismissing your feelings or opinions. Keeping you aside when it’s time to discuss important business and family matters. Doesn’t ask you advise or opinion and doesn’t respect your feelings or at least try to know how you are feeling. Frequent criticism or sarcasm is very common in bad marriages. The partner criticizes the other partner every day over small things like cooking, cleaning, washing, taking care of kids, or doing any type of work. They make you feel worthless and meaningless. They start talking negatively about you to others. To their friends, family members, in family gatherings, functions, and even in front of your own parents and family members.

4. Infidelity or Dishonesty: – Many partners who are not happy with their married life engage into cheating with others who show courtesy or love to them at that time. This can be their workplace collogues, people from social media platforms, or someone they met at functions and parties. Remember that the one who really loves and takes are about you, never sees other people though they are not happy with your behavior or personality. They will either change you or wait till you love them back. Hiding money, not talking about the properties they purchased recently, not talking about the expenses and where all their money is spent and hiding their phone when you try to see or come in their room will become very common in bad marriages. They will also change their phone passwords and keep all the credentials to themselves. They also start lying about big or small things. And this becomes a daily routine.

5. Lack of Intimacy: – No emotional or physical connection will be there if your partner doesn’t like you or in a bad relationship. They will avoid affection, care, sex, or even a simple touch. They don’t like to be near you, so they stay in another room where you are not there. And when you come in their room they will go away in another room. They make you feel more like roommates than partners. Just avoiding sex but taking good care of you by providing you with everything physically and emotionally is completely different. They may avoid sex as they may be very tired, stressed, depressed, some disease, trauma, hormonal changes, or recovering from a big health issue.

6. Constant Blame: – One partner will always blame the other partner for everything bad happening in their lives. They may tell that after you came in their life, their life has become terrible, and they are not able to live happily like they did before. They will blame you if they get a loss in their business, kids health problems, their health issues, your health issues too, and in family conflicts. They will never trust you and if someone says bad about you, they will think they are right and blame you though it was not your mistake.  They refuse to apologize or admit mistakes. They play the victim to avoid responsibility.

7. Controlling Behavior: – They will start monitoring your phone, emails, social media accounts, and your WhatsApp chats on a daily basis to know if you are talking to some other people or telling bad about them to your friends or family members. Sometimes they may even reply with your mobile phone to your friends and family members to know exactly what’s going on between you and your family members. They will check your call history and redial some numbers which are new. They will not allow you to go outside alone or talk with any other people without their permission or presence. They make decisions for you without any input according to their own wish without thinking it’s good for you or not. They use guilt or fear to influence your actions.

8. Addiction Issues: – Excessive substance abuse like drinking, drugs, and cigarettes or compulsive behaviors like gambling, porn, etc. becomes like a daily routine in the marriage. They will start doing it in front of you too. When you try to stop them, they will not listen to you. They deny or refuse to seek help. The addiction takes priority over the marriage.

9. Financial Secrecy or Irresponsibility: – They will start hiding their spending expenses, debt, or income. They refuse to budget or make joint decisions. They use money as a form of control.

10. Growing Apart: – There will be no shared goals, hobbies, or dreams in the marriage. You will feel lonely even when you’re together. There will be a lack of effort from one or both partners in trying to build a beautiful marriage. They give up very easily instead of trying constantly and search for other options or alternatives or divorce.